Getting to grips 

yes
I want to do more
with my time
efforts and energies
but somehow,
I just can’t help sitting back
and watching
as it slips though the cracks
in my mentality

and somehow,
that’s okay with me

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Game Theory

We live in a pre-packaged society.

For all my life, decisions
have been bundled up
into bite sized packages
set up on a shelf
for me to choose from.

The illusion of choice,
it drives and compels us
to work harder
to work more
to work longer hours
to work more than we play.

But economics is a game
we were always set to lose
and winning isn’t winning
when you’re all beat down and bruised

This is the system that controls us
the system in which we trust
a twisted game of cat and mouse
(we’re all shit out of luck)

Suicidal

i’m tired
completely worn out
after hours of distress
no christmas dinner for me
haven’t caught a bite to eat
between the suicidality
and avoiding the police
wasting away this christmas day
lost on the verge of
a fraying mentality

i should be dead
how do i keep pulling through?
this weird instinct is wired
all wrong
i fight to stay alive
meanwhile, i’m fighting to die

Christmas Morning Bleugh

i’m 23, its Christmas
i wake to the perpetual pain
lingering underneath
my shoulder blade
today is just another day
stabbing physical discomfort
emphasises the anxieties
of this damned holiday

i’m already staring
endlessly
into this void on my phone
to drown out the memories
the voices
the sounds
i may not get out of bed today
not even to lounge around
i have hope i can be happier
hope I won’t be depressed next year

Seasons Remorse

Christmas brews steadily
midnight hour draws nigh

meanwhile
I’m still here
at the brink of the world
legs slung over the edge
about to fall and die
as the panic from today
bluntly refuses to subside

too depressed to think
too empty to care
Christmas is so lonely
when you’re sick
and can’t feel cheer