Suicidal

i’m tired
completely worn out
after hours of distress
no christmas dinner for me
haven’t caught a bite to eat
between the suicidality
and avoiding the police
wasting away this christmas day
lost on the verge of
a fraying mentality

i should be dead
how do i keep pulling through?
this weird instinct is wired
all wrong
i fight to stay alive
meanwhile, i’m fighting to die

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Seasons Remorse

Christmas brews steadily
midnight hour draws nigh

meanwhile
I’m still here
at the brink of the world
legs slung over the edge
about to fall and die
as the panic from today
bluntly refuses to subside

too depressed to think
too empty to care
Christmas is so lonely
when you’re sick
and can’t feel cheer

Past Life

Do you remember that time
the bone in my shin cracked?

Surely you do, it happened
after you’d pushed me to the ground
and you kicked me
while I was down there 
 – so hard
we could hear it split
or I could hear it
I still can
in the flashbacks

I can still see you
standing above me
as I cowered
and cried
you were so frustrated
and angry with me
I was scared
and apologetic because
every time you hurt me
we knew it was my fault

it was late at night
after I had been out
to my best-friends
21st birthday
and you’d been out
smoking meth
but I didn’t know that
and you didn’t like it
when I went out
but I didn’t know that

and I didn’t mean to
make you mad
when I came to bed upset
about a matter from the function
I should have left those
feelings there

and I wish I could have
stopped you 
and explained 
that I didn’t mean to be
distressed and upset
I’d take it all back
if I could

fifteen months on and
the cracks didn’t set well
might not have healed at all
I still relive this moment
this grand decline or fall
on a basis that is daily

I stopped running my fingers
over the ridges in the bone
because there is no point
in remembering
that you’ve left me broken
and alone

Split personalities 

These clammy hands are killing me 
I’m choking on their scent 
The life I had before this 
Has been put up for rent 

A claustrophobic stagnant silence 
Draws chaos to my ears 
I’m sinking and I’m drowning 
Laid here begging for death 
As the walls start caving in 

Now cataclysmic confrontations 
They work to wear me thin 
I’m pulling out my hair because 
There’s no way to ever win

Yes, I’m still where you left me 
On the floor right now 
Bleeding from my skull 
Scared and vulnerable 
Because I’ve lost this war again 

And all the goddamn while 

These fucking walls keep caving in

Disability 

I don’t write poems anymore
I’m sick and uninspired
and disabled

I thought things would get better
I really did

But I’m still lost and alone
Completely out of control
Clawing at the seams of my mentality
As they rip and unravel
Revealing bloody half-assed wounds

This suffering is eternal and selfish
I’m ashamed of the person I’ve become
Narcissism torments suffocating anxiety
I rip out my eyes and tear the beating heart from my chest

I hold it in front of you and we cry together through the sweet escape