I can’t even write out
my emotions
without feeling so pathetic
and hopeless and dead,
feeling sorry for anyone
who actually reads this crap,
straining with guilt
for all those who have to
encounter me
Tag Archives: depression
Christmas Morning Bleugh
i’m 23, its Christmas
i wake to the perpetual pain
lingering underneath
my shoulder blade
today is just another day
stabbing physical discomfort
emphasises the anxieties
of this damned holiday
i’m already staring
endlessly
into this void on my phone
to drown out the memories
the voices
the sounds
i may not get out of bed today
not even to lounge around
i have hope i can be happier
hope I won’t be depressed next year
Past Life
Do you remember that time
the bone in my shin cracked?
Surely you do, it happened
after you’d pushed me to the ground
and you kicked me
while I was down there
– so hard
we could hear it split
or I could hear it
I still can
in the flashbacks
I can still see you
standing above me
as I cowered
and cried
you were so frustrated
and angry with me
I was scared
and apologetic because
every time you hurt me
we knew it was my fault
it was late at night
after I had been out
to my best-friends
21st birthday
and you’d been out
smoking meth
but I didn’t know that
and you didn’t like it
when I went out
but I didn’t know that
and I didn’t mean to
make you mad
when I came to bed upset
about a matter from the function
I should have left those
feelings there
and I wish I could have
stopped you
and explained
that I didn’t mean to be
distressed and upset
I’d take it all back
if I could
fifteen months on and
the cracks didn’t set well
might not have healed at all
I still relive this moment
this grand decline or fall
on a basis that is daily
I stopped running my fingers
over the ridges in the bone
because there is no point
in remembering
that you’ve left me broken
and alone
The Cost of Living
I just received an invoice in the mail
$97 owed to an accident and emergency centre
For when I showed up distressed
Near the end of November
Asking for a quiet place to sit
While my panic attack rode out
And I regained the will to live
This country has medical funding
To ensure good health is maintained
Because accidents do happen
It really is a shame
That the place that I took solace
The place I thought was safe
Has been stripped from my breast
Due to monetary strain
I’ve unintentionally become a suicidal maniac, been having to go to a lot of medical departments recently.. I think this was an admin screw up but I’m too sick to deal with it or even pay it ugh
In Therapy
What is it like there
In that world of your own?
It’s darkness succeeding
To hone in and grow
Dissociation and darkness
Have named it their home
The spirit of adventure
Subsides to faint glow
A flicker of courage
Though no ounce of hope
It’s all that’s been left here
It’s all that I know
Daily Heart Attack
Waking up is painful
Dry eyes roll back in my head
There’s a tightness in my chest
Heart palpitates fitfully in distress
This constant heart attack of mine
Is frightening all the time
From this perpetual anxiety
When will I ever be freed?
Split personalitiesĀ
These clammy hands are killing me
I’m choking on their scent
The life I had before this
Has been put up for rent
A claustrophobic stagnant silence
Draws chaos to my ears
I’m sinking and I’m drowning
Laid here begging for death
As the walls start caving in
Now cataclysmic confrontations
They work to wear me thin
I’m pulling out my hair because
There’s no way to ever win
Yes, I’m still where you left me
On the floor right now
Bleeding from my skull
Scared and vulnerable
Because I’ve lost this war again
And all the goddamn while
These fucking walls keep caving in