Christmas Morning Bleugh

i’m 23, its Christmas
i wake to the perpetual pain
lingering underneath
my shoulder blade
today is just another day
stabbing physical discomfort
emphasises the anxieties
of this damned holiday

i’m already staring
endlessly
into this void on my phone
to drown out the memories
the voices
the sounds
i may not get out of bed today
not even to lounge around
i have hope i can be happier
hope I won’t be depressed next year

Past Life

Do you remember that time
the bone in my shin cracked?

Surely you do, it happened
after you’d pushed me to the ground
and you kicked me
while I was down there 
 – so hard
we could hear it split
or I could hear it
I still can
in the flashbacks

I can still see you
standing above me
as I cowered
and cried
you were so frustrated
and angry with me
I was scared
and apologetic because
every time you hurt me
we knew it was my fault

it was late at night
after I had been out
to my best-friends
21st birthday
and you’d been out
smoking meth
but I didn’t know that
and you didn’t like it
when I went out
but I didn’t know that

and I didn’t mean to
make you mad
when I came to bed upset
about a matter from the function
I should have left those
feelings there

and I wish I could have
stopped you 
and explained 
that I didn’t mean to be
distressed and upset
I’d take it all back
if I could

fifteen months on and
the cracks didn’t set well
might not have healed at all
I still relive this moment
this grand decline or fall
on a basis that is daily

I stopped running my fingers
over the ridges in the bone
because there is no point
in remembering
that you’ve left me broken
and alone

The Cost of Living

I just received an invoice in the mail
$97 owed to an accident and emergency centre
For when I showed up distressed
Near the end of November
Asking for a quiet place to sit
While my panic attack rode out
And I regained the will to live

This country has medical funding
To ensure good health is maintained
Because accidents do happen
It really is a shame
That the place that I took solace
The place I thought was safe
Has been stripped from my breast
Due to monetary strain

I’ve unintentionally become a suicidal maniac, been having to go to a lot of medical departments recently.. I think this was an admin screw up but I’m too sick to deal with it or even pay it ugh

In Therapy

What is it like there
In that world of your own?

It’s darkness succeeding
To hone in and grow

Dissociation and darkness
Have named it their home

The spirit of adventure
Subsides to faint glow

A flicker of courage
Though no ounce of hope

It’s all that’s been left here
It’s all that I know

Daily Heart Attack

Waking up is painful
Dry eyes roll back in my head
There’s a tightness in my chest 
Heart palpitates fitfully in distress

This constant heart attack of mine
Is frightening all the time
From this perpetual anxiety
When will I ever be freed?

Split personalitiesĀ 

These clammy hands are killing me 
I’m choking on their scent 
The life I had before this 
Has been put up for rent 

A claustrophobic stagnant silence 
Draws chaos to my ears 
I’m sinking and I’m drowning 
Laid here begging for death 
As the walls start caving in 

Now cataclysmic confrontations 
They work to wear me thin 
I’m pulling out my hair because 
There’s no way to ever win

Yes, I’m still where you left me 
On the floor right now 
Bleeding from my skull 
Scared and vulnerable 
Because I’ve lost this war again 

And all the goddamn while 

These fucking walls keep caving in