Suicidal

i’m tired
completely worn out
after hours of distress
no christmas dinner for me
haven’t caught a bite to eat
between the suicidality
and avoiding the police
wasting away this christmas day
lost on the verge of
a fraying mentality

i should be dead
how do i keep pulling through?
this weird instinct is wired
all wrong
i fight to stay alive
meanwhile, i’m fighting to die

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Christmas Morning Bleugh

i’m 23, its Christmas
i wake to the perpetual pain
lingering underneath
my shoulder blade
today is just another day
stabbing physical discomfort
emphasises the anxieties
of this damned holiday

i’m already staring
endlessly
into this void on my phone
to drown out the memories
the voices
the sounds
i may not get out of bed today
not even to lounge around
i have hope i can be happier
hope I won’t be depressed next year

Past Life

Do you remember that time
the bone in my shin cracked?

Surely you do, it happened
after you’d pushed me to the ground
and you kicked me
while I was down there 
 – so hard
we could hear it split
or I could hear it
I still can
in the flashbacks

I can still see you
standing above me
as I cowered
and cried
you were so frustrated
and angry with me
I was scared
and apologetic because
every time you hurt me
we knew it was my fault

it was late at night
after I had been out
to my best-friends
21st birthday
and you’d been out
smoking meth
but I didn’t know that
and you didn’t like it
when I went out
but I didn’t know that

and I didn’t mean to
make you mad
when I came to bed upset
about a matter from the function
I should have left those
feelings there

and I wish I could have
stopped you 
and explained 
that I didn’t mean to be
distressed and upset
I’d take it all back
if I could

fifteen months on and
the cracks didn’t set well
might not have healed at all
I still relive this moment
this grand decline or fall
on a basis that is daily

I stopped running my fingers
over the ridges in the bone
because there is no point
in remembering
that you’ve left me broken
and alone