i’m tired
completely worn out
after hours of distress
no christmas dinner for me
haven’t caught a bite to eat
between the suicidality
and avoiding the police
wasting away this christmas day
lost on the verge of
a fraying mentality

i should be dead
how do i keep pulling through?
this weird instinct is wired
all wrong
i fight to stay alive
meanwhile, i’m fighting to die


Past Life

Do you remember that time
the bone in my shin cracked?

Surely you do, it happened
after you’d pushed me to the ground
and you kicked me
while I was down there 
 – so hard
we could hear it split
or I could hear it
I still can
in the flashbacks

I can still see you
standing above me
as I cowered
and cried
you were so frustrated
and angry with me
I was scared
and apologetic because
every time you hurt me
we knew it was my fault

it was late at night
after I had been out
to my best-friends
21st birthday
and you’d been out
smoking meth
but I didn’t know that
and you didn’t like it
when I went out
but I didn’t know that

and I didn’t mean to
make you mad
when I came to bed upset
about a matter from the function
I should have left those
feelings there

and I wish I could have
stopped you 
and explained 
that I didn’t mean to be
distressed and upset
I’d take it all back
if I could

fifteen months on and
the cracks didn’t set well
might not have healed at all
I still relive this moment
this grand decline or fall
on a basis that is daily

I stopped running my fingers
over the ridges in the bone
because there is no point
in remembering
that you’ve left me broken
and alone

The Cost of Living

I just received an invoice in the mail
$97 owed to an accident and emergency centre
For when I showed up distressed
Near the end of November
Asking for a quiet place to sit
While my panic attack rode out
And I regained the will to live

This country has medical funding
To ensure good health is maintained
Because accidents do happen
It really is a shame
That the place that I took solace
The place I thought was safe
Has been stripped from my breast
Due to monetary strain

I’ve unintentionally become a suicidal maniac, been having to go to a lot of medical departments recently.. I think this was an admin screw up but I’m too sick to deal with it or even pay it ugh

In Therapy

What is it like there
In that world of your own?

It’s darkness succeeding
To hone in and grow

Dissociation and darkness
Have named it their home

The spirit of adventure
Subsides to faint glow

A flicker of courage
Though no ounce of hope

It’s all that’s been left here
It’s all that I know

Daily Heart Attack

Waking up is painful
Dry eyes roll back in my head
There’s a tightness in my chest 
Heart palpitates fitfully in distress

This constant heart attack of mine
Is frightening all the time
From this perpetual anxiety
When will I ever be freed?

The Void

You might know how it feels 
To always be a mess 
A cacophony of chaos 
And forever quite distressed 

You may know the discomfort 
That lurks in empty chests 
The sense of losing touch 
As though there’s no one left 

But hang in there they’ll tell you 
A bouquet of love struck lies 
Their pain you must avoid somehow 
It’s a wonder you’re still alive


My mentality is straining 
Through blistered, rusted mesh 
While the cracks in the pavement 
Lay awaiting my death 
This grand fall from grace 
Is a sick ménage à trois 
Between the multiple personalities 
That lurk around in the dark 
No one understands when viewing 
From afar with eyes wide shut 
The poison growing within me 
This bitter apple of my heart