i’m tired
completely worn out
after hours of distress
no christmas dinner for me
haven’t caught a bite to eat
between the suicidality
and avoiding the police
wasting away this christmas day
lost on the verge of
a fraying mentality
i should be dead
how do i keep pulling through?
this weird instinct is wired
all wrong
i fight to stay alive
meanwhile, i’m fighting to die
I can’t even write out
my emotions
without feeling so pathetic
and hopeless and dead,
feeling sorry for anyone
who actually reads this crap,
straining with guilt
for all those who have to
encounter me
i’m 23, its Christmas
i wake to the perpetual pain
lingering underneath
my shoulder blade
today is just another day
stabbing physical discomfort
emphasises the anxieties
of this damned holiday
i’m already staring
endlessly
into this void on my phone
to drown out the memories
the voices
the sounds
i may not get out of bed today
not even to lounge around
i have hope i can be happier
hope I won’t be depressed next year
Christmas brews steadily
midnight hour draws nigh
meanwhile
I’m still here
at the brink of the world
legs slung over the edge
about to fall and die
as the panic from today
bluntly refuses to subside
too depressed to think
too empty to care
Christmas is so lonely
when you’re sick
and can’t feel cheer
Fresh sheets
feel crisp and new
like this bond we’ve formed
the love you have for me
spanned across the years
is graciously welcomed
you are wonder
you are care
guide me, darling
I need you here
I just received an invoice in the mail
$97 owed to an accident and emergency centre
For when I showed up distressed
Near the end of November
Asking for a quiet place to sit
While my panic attack rode out
And I regained the will to live
This country has medical funding
To ensure good health is maintained
Because accidents do happen
It really is a shame
That the place that I took solace
The place I thought was safe
Has been stripped from my breast
Due to monetary strain
I’ve unintentionally become a suicidal maniac, been having to go to a lot of medical departments recently.. I think this was an admin screw up but I’m too sick to deal with it or even pay it ugh
What is it like there
In that world of your own?
It’s darkness succeeding
To hone in and grow
Dissociation and darkness
Have named it their home
The spirit of adventure
Subsides to faint glow
A flicker of courage
Though no ounce of hope
It’s all that’s been left here
It’s all that I know
Waking up is painful
Dry eyes roll back in my head
There’s a tightness in my chest
Heart palpitates fitfully in distress
This constant heart attack of mine
Is frightening all the time
From this perpetual anxiety
When will I ever be freed?
You might know how it feels
To always be a mess
A cacophony of chaos
And forever quite distressed
You may know the discomfort
That lurks in empty chests
The sense of losing touch
As though there’s no one left
But hang in there they’ll tell you
A bouquet of love struck lies
Their pain you must avoid somehow
It’s a wonder you’re still alive
My mentality is straining
Through blistered, rusted mesh
While the cracks in the pavement
Lay awaiting my death
This grand fall from grace
Is a sick ménage à trois
Between the multiple personalities
That lurk around in the dark
No one understands when viewing
From afar with eyes wide shut
The poison growing within me
This bitter apple of my heart
Personally disordered 