i’m tired
completely worn out
after hours of distress
no christmas dinner for me
haven’t caught a bite to eat
between the suicidality
and avoiding the police
wasting away this christmas day
lost on the verge of
a fraying mentality

i should be dead
how do i keep pulling through?
this weird instinct is wired
all wrong
i fight to stay alive
meanwhile, i’m fighting to die



I can’t even write out
my emotions
without feeling so pathetic
and hopeless and dead,
feeling sorry for anyone
who actually reads this crap,
straining with guilt
for all those who have to
encounter me

Christmas Morning Bleugh

i’m 23, its Christmas
i wake to the perpetual pain
lingering underneath
my shoulder blade
today is just another day
stabbing physical discomfort
emphasises the anxieties
of this damned holiday

i’m already staring
into this void on my phone
to drown out the memories
the voices
the sounds
i may not get out of bed today
not even to lounge around
i have hope i can be happier
hope I won’t be depressed next year


Seasons Remorse

Christmas brews steadily
midnight hour draws nigh

I’m still here
at the brink of the world
legs slung over the edge
about to fall and die
as the panic from today
bluntly refuses to subside

too depressed to think
too empty to care
Christmas is so lonely
when you’re sick
and can’t feel cheer


Fresh Start

Fresh sheets
feel crisp and new
like this bond we’ve formed

the love you have for me
spanned across the years
is graciously welcomed

you are wonder
you are care
guide me, darling
I need you here


The Cost of Living

I just received an invoice in the mail
$97 owed to an accident and emergency centre
For when I showed up distressed
Near the end of November
Asking for a quiet place to sit
While my panic attack rode out
And I regained the will to live

This country has medical funding
To ensure good health is maintained
Because accidents do happen
It really is a shame
That the place that I took solace
The place I thought was safe
Has been stripped from my breast
Due to monetary strain

I’ve unintentionally become a suicidal maniac, been having to go to a lot of medical departments recently.. I think this was an admin screw up but I’m too sick to deal with it or even pay it ugh


In Therapy

What is it like there
In that world of your own?

It’s darkness succeeding
To hone in and grow

Dissociation and darkness
Have named it their home

The spirit of adventure
Subsides to faint glow

A flicker of courage
Though no ounce of hope

It’s all that’s been left here
It’s all that I know