Getting to grips

yes
I want to do more
with my time
efforts and energies
but somehow,
I just can’t help sitting back
and watching
as it slips though the cracks
in my mentality

and somehow,
that’s okay with me

Suicidal

i’m tired
completely worn out
after hours of distress
no christmas dinner for me
haven’t caught a bite to eat
between the suicidality
and avoiding the police
wasting away this christmas day
lost on the verge of
a fraying mentality

i should be dead
how do i keep pulling through?
this weird instinct is wired
all wrong
i fight to stay alive
meanwhile, i’m fighting to die

Dead

I can’t even write out
my emotions
without feeling so pathetic
and hopeless and dead,
feeling sorry for anyone
who actually reads this crap,
straining with guilt
for all those who have to
encounter me

Christmas Morning Bleugh

i’m 23, its Christmas
i wake to the perpetual pain
lingering underneath
my shoulder blade
today is just another day
stabbing physical discomfort
emphasises the anxieties
of this damned holiday

i’m already staring
endlessly
into this void on my phone
to drown out the memories
the voices
the sounds
i may not get out of bed today
not even to lounge around
i have hope i can be happier
hope I won’t be depressed next year

Seasons Remorse

Christmas brews steadily
midnight hour draws nigh

meanwhile
I’m still here
at the brink of the world
legs slung over the edge
about to fall and die
as the panic from today
bluntly refuses to subside

too depressed to think
too empty to care
Christmas is so lonely
when you’re sick
and can’t feel cheer

The Problem

restless eyes
beg anxiously for sleep
yet they continue to dart
back and forth
in a dance with the devil
across my iPhone screen
I am the problem
I am society

Dreaming

Your collarbones are milky fine
they would snap
between my fingers
if I pinched you hard enough;
but would you wake up?

Past Life

Do you remember that time
the bone in my shin cracked?

Surely you do, it happened
after you’d pushed me to the ground
and you kicked me
while I was down there 
 – so hard
we could hear it split
or I could hear it
I still can
in the flashbacks

I can still see you
standing above me
as I cowered
and cried
you were so frustrated
and angry with me
I was scared
and apologetic because
every time you hurt me
we knew it was my fault

it was late at night
after I had been out
to my best-friends
21st birthday
and you’d been out
smoking meth
but I didn’t know that
and you didn’t like it
when I went out
but I didn’t know that

and I didn’t mean to
make you mad
when I came to bed upset
about a matter from the function
I should have left those
feelings there

and I wish I could have
stopped you 
and explained 
that I didn’t mean to be
distressed and upset
I’d take it all back
if I could

fifteen months on and
the cracks didn’t set well
might not have healed at all
I still relive this moment
this grand decline or fall
on a basis that is daily

I stopped running my fingers
over the ridges in the bone
because there is no point
in remembering
that you’ve left me broken
and alone

Fresh Start

Fresh sheets
feel crisp and new
like this bond we’ve formed

the love you have for me
spanned across the years
is graciously welcomed

you are wonder
you are care
guide me, darling
I need you here

The Cost of Living

I just received an invoice in the mail
$97 owed to an accident and emergency centre
For when I showed up distressed
Near the end of November
Asking for a quiet place to sit
While my panic attack rode out
And I regained the will to live

This country has medical funding
To ensure good health is maintained
Because accidents do happen
It really is a shame
That the place that I took solace
The place I thought was safe
Has been stripped from my breast
Due to monetary strain

I’ve unintentionally become a suicidal maniac, been having to go to a lot of medical departments recently.. I think this was an admin screw up but I’m too sick to deal with it or even pay it ugh